Si algo no te gusta, cámbialo.

If you don't like something, change it.

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All these long days over the last 21 weeks have caught up to me. I don't feel like me anymore. I'm exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally. There are days when I feel like I care so little; and there are moments when all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and walk out...

But yet, then there are moments when something goes right, or something good happens. Just enough to kick me in the butt and remind me why I'm here, and that there's hope in what I'm doing, and I see the bigger picture of what I'm a part of.

Over the last few months we've been trying to do a lot of work on capacity-building with our staff - things like creating and implementing treatment guidelines, protocols, and trying to bring a higher standard of care to our clinic. However, it's been frustrating and disheartening when it seems like nobody seems to remember (or care) about even the little things (like segregating garbage and putting different coloured garbage bags in the bins to differentiate between medical and non-medical waste).

We've also been doing some long over-due construction on our health post, which is causing a lot of chaos in our clinic as we're now crammed into half the space that we normally use, and our patient numbers seem to be increasing daily. There's so much going on in our tiny little space that you feel like you can't turn around without bumping into someone, something... or catching a glimpse of some terrifying new creature that everyone seems to want to adopt as our health post pets.. (seriously though, who puts a centipede on a leash?!?!)

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But then one day last week I walked into the pharmacy and saw a little baby wrapped up in the arms of her mother - she's been suffering with a diarrheal disease. For the little ones that present with diarrhea, the WHO recommended standard treatment is Oral Rehydration Solution (ORS) and Zinc. (As a side for my fellow nerds: research has shown that when you administer zinc, in conjunction with ORS, it can reduce the severity and duration of diarrheal episodes in children for up to 3 months.)

So when I walked into the pharmacy and saw our staff teaching mom how to prepare and administer the zinc tablet to her baby, it made my heart so happy. As the zinc tablets we dispense are dispersable, all you have to do is put it with a bit of water on a spoon and swish it around. It's a very simple task, but it's been months of trying to encourage our staff to actually physically do it with our patients. It felt like such a huge accomplishment to see it happen! It's just one little thing, but it gave me some hope and encouragement. It's a learning process here. And in aid work nothing happens quickly. Nothing. Everything takes time. You're always waiting for something, or someone. But things do happen... eventually. You just have to be patient. And so here I am, getting a lesson or two on patience - a virtue, and a fruit (as my co-worker says) - see: Galatians 5:22.

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But even with these little moments of joy, I'm still struggling. I don't like how I'm feeling, and at times, how I'm thinking. However, we do have some pretty great staff here, one of whom offered this little piece of advice:

"If you don't like how you're feeling, change it. You already know what you have to do to make that happen."

So simple. He was absolutely right. I knew what I had to do.

I'm the type of person that needs time alone to recharge. Actually, the longer I'm here, the more I'm learning just how much of an introvert I am. But I also need a good mix of socializing. I can't always be alone, and definitely value good catch ups, time out of my room and office (other than in the camp), and I definitely need exercise. So this past week I've been really trying to focus on developing a better work/life balance.... Did you know that last month (actually, every month I've been here), by a conservative estimate, I worked 300 hours? ... which is a 60 - 70 hour work week. (And just for fun, did you know that it works out to me getting paid 1.31$/hour? I don't do this job for the money. Clearly.)

But honestly, why?! Those kinds of hours are not sustainable in the long run, and will only lead to burn out... which I feel dangerously close to at this point.

But I know what I need to do to change that.

• This past week I actually left the office at 6pm, on two nights.

• I went to the gym... three times.

• Twice I got to go and catch up with a friend who was in town - once for rooftop beers, and once for dinner (and was surprised by seeing a former co-worker that night as well!).

• I re-visited our Thursday night hang out ("waka waka" is, and always will be, a good time... even though Lexie and "two-button" Dave are no longer here).

• And I signed up for a race... because running a 10km the day after arriving back in Canada seemed like a good idea. (There's something about signing up for races that energizes me.. maybe i have a racing addiction? Very likely actually).

And as an added bonus I was showered with visa-run gifts from co-workers... masala tea from Nepal (huge blast from the past), a bottle of gin, and a big bag of Rawandan coffee! (which is great news considering I'm down to the last few grinds from my care package coffee)

Slowly I'm making changes. Slowly I'll get my life into order over here.

Sometimes it takes awhile to recognize that you're not happy with yourself or how things are... that things need to change. But that's ok. The important thing is that once you recognize it, you change it.

Thankfully, I like change. Change is good. It keeps things interesting, helps you grow, and keeps you on your toes. So let's hope things go well over the next few weeks, cuz there's a lot of change happening... like my new manager starting tomorrow.

Bring it on Sunday.