It's been a busy year as a single mama (and I'll write more about those adventures later). So many things have changed, not the least of these being going back to work, starting a new full time job in a new OR, enduring sleepless nights with a baby that hates sleep (and continues to, to this day)... and then there's covid. What a mess it's been since March.
I know I'm just another voice in the crowd (crowds that we're not allowed to have now) complaining about how things have changed, but it has. You all know that. And I could sit here and complain about how my trip to Spain last March had to be cancelled, or how I felt like my maternity leave was stolen from me (not getting a chance to take advantage of the time off to make new mom friends and share my newborn's life with friends and family), or how I didn't get to do anything except sit at home and go out for my daily walk, but really, who am I to complain?
First of all, I'm blessed enough to have the luxury of taking a paid full year off after my daughter was born. Not many other mom's around the world are granted that privilege. And then on the topic of covid... there are people all over the world who are legitimately struggling to make ends meet, and are losing not only their livelihoods, but their loved ones as well. There are some people out there who are happy that they have the chance to work from home and spend more time with their family, but then on the other hand there are people for whom that's the worst thing that could have happened to them - not having the ability to leave their homes for the respite of work or school, and subsequently finding themselves left alone at home having to endure even more domestic abuses. Those poor women and children (yes, I know anyone can be the victim of abuse, but statistically those are the people that are at highest risk) who now fall into even worse neglect, violence, and a whole host of abuse, whether that be physical, sexual, or emotional. Then there are the front line workers who have had to endure watching the virus unfold. Every day I'm thankful that I'm not working in the medical wards or ICU, watching people struggle to breathe, having to be put on ventilators, being locked out from their loved ones, and witnessing someone's last dying breath, all the while knowing full well that it could be them next, or someone in their own family after bringing it home to them. How awful to not understand what a virus is capable of doing, and instead deciding to disobey basic public health guidelines... but I digress.
The point is, this sucks. And we all know it.
But there's hope. And that hope has now become a light at the end of the tunnel: A Vaccine.
We've all been saying it over the last 10 months -
"I can't wait until there's a vaccine."
"I can't wait until things can go back to normal."
I know this, because I've been saying it too.
But then all of a sudden that became a reality, and I felt like I'd been caught off guard. I went from yearning for a vaccine to be created (but thinking it would be years), to an e-mail delivered to my inbox at midnight asking me to book in for my vaccination time slot. And all of a sudden I froze.
I didn't know what to do. The link would expire as soon as clicked on it (just like those Inspector Gadget messages that would self-destruct after you read them) and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to. I desperately want life to get back to normal. I want to see my friends and family again. I want to travel. I want to not have to wear a mask everywhere. I want choices again. But then the worry and selfish part of me took over.
What about the risks?
What about the long term effects?
What if it's too soon?
What about my baby? Does this mean I have to stop breastfeeding?
All these questions and concerns. All of them legitimate.
But the more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt.
Yes. Yes I am allowed to have these questions and concerns. And yes we should question these things. But then I thought about everyone else but me.
I thought about my daughter - what if I get covid and she ends up without a mom?
What about my parents? What if they get sick because of me?
What about all the people around the world that are even more oppressed and isolated because of this virus?
What about all the people losing their loved ones?
What about all the people losing their jobs, their businesses, their dreams, because of this virus?
What about all the things we desire to see and experience in this world again?
What about all those people around the world that are currently denied access to the vaccine because of where they live?
Are things like this so unimportant that I can't be a part of the solution? How blessed am I to live in a place where there are the resources and infrastructure to allow this vaccination to occur.
At the end of the day, when it comes time to make your decision about whether or not you're going to accept the vaccine, that's on you. I support your decision, whatever it is. These are very personal times, and these are very personal decisions.
But today I made my choice.
Today I saw that hope in physical form.
And I can't wait to one day soon see the world again.
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