Countries Visited: 8 New Jobs: 2 Races completed: 0 Relocations: 1
2018 has been a year jam-packed with changes; and to say that my learning curve has been steep is probably a bit of an understatement. I’m currently sitting on a plane en route from Canada to China, and what better time to reflect on the past year than at 34,000 feet. This post is essentially me telling the story of my 2018… some things are repetitive to previous posts, and some things I haven’t yet shared. However, I find writing to be very cathartic and beneficial in processing everything, and since my outlet is now my blog, here we go…
I headed into 2018 in a hard place. I was suffering with depression (although thankfully not severe) and struggling with a variety of personal issues at the time. So I made a spur of the moment decision (while working a night shift on boxing day) to fly to Mexico and visit a friend to kick off 2018… 36 hours after booking my flight (which was not very surprising to anyone, except for poor B who was probably more than a little stunned that I actually showed up in Monterrey a few days before New Years). I’ve said it more than once before, but one of the reasons I love to travel is because of its ability to clear your head and help you to see things in a new light. And this trip was no different.
Something clicked while I was there, and my whole perspective changed. I can even remember the exact moment, just days into 2018, when I was sitting on top of a peak in Chipinque Park, staring out at the clouds covering Monterrery, with the start of the Sierra Madre just over my shoulder, when that light switch flicked back on for me. The amazing week I spent reconnecting with my friend B, and the time I spent getting to know J was a huge blessing and turning point for me.
______________________________
And given the way 2018 started, it should come as no surprise that the rest of 2018 was going to be just as packed with crazy, random, spontaneous adventures (and a much needed visit from my best friend M)!
Just one week into 2018 I started a new job. Having recently graduated from the perioperative nursing program at MacEwan University, I was now officially working in the OR. Although I had spent the last few months “working” in the OR as a student during my preceptorship, the learning curve (now that I was out of “student status”) was once again through the roof.
The idea was that I was going to be orientated to all 7 services in our OR , which would mean 14 months of non-stop, full-time work. Well, you can imagine the anxiety that coursed through my body when I heard this… I’m not one who’s been able to just settle in, put my head down, and work full-time sans travelling breaks, especially since my heart and mind is, and always has been, set on humanitarian work. Given that I’m on multiple disaster response rosters, and that I had applied for long-term work in the field, we made a deal that I would stick around for 6 months and work full-time to get the hang of things and become more competent in the OR. Fair enough.
That lasted 3 months.
In March I received a call that I’d been accepted to complete an 8 day long intensive orientation/training session for an INGO (international non-government organization) I’d applied for. So off I went to Switzerland for a week of training which was both physically and mentally draining, but also incredibly insightful and thought-provoking at the same time, pushing you to think in ways you normally wouldn’t by putting you in stressful and immensely taxing situations. As I sit here reflecting on that week, I still see its effects on me, constantly making me re-think things and reflect on certain behaviours. I also met some of the most wonderful and inspiring people that week – a number of whom I’ve had the honour of working (and living) alongside, or that I still keep in touch with quite frequently (in hopes that one day soon we’ll get to serve alongside each other in real life, not just in high altitude winter simulations - J and C, amongst MANY others from the ROC).
Soon after returning from this training, and staying to true to the path that I seem to follow, I set off across the pond back to Europe once again, but this time to explore Ireland and Scotland with 4 of my very best friends. These girls are my rocks, always beside me supporting me in my crazy adventures and some of the best people responsible for creating even crazier adventures. Spending 3 weeks with my girls, and learning how to drive “on the wrong side of the road…and the wrong side of the car” was nothing short of insane. I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to explore such a beautiful place with the most beautiful women.
I’d hoped that by having kissed the Blarney Stone my speech would have become more eloquent, but it doesn’t appear to be that way yet… perhaps a second trip is in order. But we learned the secret to cider-drinking from an English Uber driver (hint: lemon slices), we danced and chatted the nights away with locals in Irish pubs, sampled the local tastes and all varieties of Guinness, drove the “Ring of Kerry”, introduced locals to the apparently foreign concept of “vodka-waters” explored the causeway of legendary giants, and went on a hunt (though unsuccessful) to acquire Ed Sheeran tickets in multiple little Irish towns. Not a bad way to celebrate yours and your best friends’ birthdays.
________________________________
....But then 19 May happened en route home from a solid birthday trip up to Jasper (refer now to blog post #1).
Here’s the Cole’s notes version: I was offered a job working for an INGO… in Bangladesh.
Did I hesitate?
Not for a second.
So 3 days after accepting said job, I found myself back on a plane across the Atlantic, and back to Switzerland for a week long induction into the organization and briefing on what I was getting myself into. Here I would also get to meet some new and wonderful people who, as it turns out, have ended up being a huge support for me in those dark moments (thanks C), and who, despite terrible first impressions, ended up being pretty fun adventurers, which is "better than nothing".
And then 4 weeks later, after the whirlwind of packing up my life, renting out my condo, finishing my last few weeks working in the OR, and saying painful good byes to as many people as I could, I found myself once again with my Arc’Teryx backpacks in the back of my parents car, driving to the airport, this time crossing the Pacific Ocean towards my new home of Bangladesh.
The later half of 2018 has seen my triathlon training swapped out for PFA (psychological first aid), CRM (Case Management of Rape), and IMCI (Integrated Management of Childhood Illness) training; my pre-defined shift work of 0730-1545 (5 days/week) has been changed to varying 12-14 hour work days; I’ve stepped out of hands-on nursing care in to the role of a manager, and I’m finding myself thrown into learning budgets, Bangla, and the enormous number of acronyms that run rampant in the humanitarian world. It’s been overwhelming, crazy, and exhausting, but I wouldn’t change a single minute of it. I feel like I am finally on the path that I’m meant to be on… that I’m finally doing the work that I’ve been called to do. And to feel that peace that comes from being sure of what you’re doing, knowing with absolute confidence, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what you’re doing is exactly what you’re supposed to be doing – there’re no words to adequately describe it.
My last 6 months working in the Rohingya camps has been emotional (in so many ways). It’s difficult to see the conditions people are forced to live in, to hear about the horrors that people have lived through (and miraculously survived), and to experience the struggles involved in providing appropriate and quality health care to people who so desperately need it. It’s hard to think about these things in those moments, and at times it’s beyond frustrating. Sometimes it’s easy to put your mind on cruise control and not think about what you’re seeing, then sometimes I have to actively refrain from thinking about things or looking at something, but then sometimes it hits you head on and smacks you hard in the face to the point that you can’t ignore it, and you just break down. It’s a difficult environment and situation to be in. To see the desperate conditions that people live in and know how much help is needed, but then be unable to procure a needed medication because of this reason or that, or because things are moving slower than you’d like, or feel like you’re not doing enough... It can wear you down.
I spend a majority of a work week in the camp… and overall I’m in the camp way more than I’m in the office. I can’t always hide behind a desk, buried in paperwork, or behind the screen of a laptop… I’m right there in the middle of it. Yet I’m only there for a few hours a day. These people have lived this way (and worse) for over 16 months. It’s heart breaking. But in order to do our work, and to do our work well, you have to separate yourself from those thoughts, images, and feelings. This is a common practice you have to master in nursing, and as quickly as possible. We care. We care a lot. It’s why we got into this line of work. But in order to care for those who are sick and in need of help, you can’t be blubbering like a baby or beside yourself consumed by their situation. You need to listen. You need to understand. You need to empathize. But you have to, in a way, separate yourself from it too. But it’s not like I’m not human and lack compassion (if I did, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing). There are moments and days when I struggle. When something gets to me and I can’t shake it. I’m human, and I have emotion. I’ll cry with someone in the moment, or sometimes I’ll keep it inside until later. But it gets to you sometimes, and it’s not always something you can talk about… especially not with people who haven’t also experienced it first-hand. However, I'm incredibly grateful to have people like E who "gets it" and helps me process it all - who patiently listens to my anger, my tears, and my ranting and ravings.
It’s not an easy line of work to be in. But every single day I am thankful that I’ve been given the privilege to be where I am, and to be doing what I’m doing. I absolutely love my job, and wake up every day excited… tired, yes, but excited.
Thankfully, this is why we get R&R days – a time to rest and recharge, which I was able to do this year in Malaysia and Canada (with a short working trip to Singapore thrown in there too). Just an added bonus of international travel every few months – something I definitely won’t complain about.
2018 has blessed me with the opportunity to meet amazing new people (in the OR, in the field, through my travels), and reconnect and bond with friends I haven’t seen in years (in Mexico and Switzerland). I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on me – who I am, what I want, but also focusing on what I’m meant to do in life – what I’m being called to do. I’ve let go of a lot of things (and people) who have been holding me back, and though I still have a lot of work to do in those areas, I feel like I’m in a much better place than I was when I started the year.
2018 has definitely been a year of growth and change, and I’m grateful for everyone who’s walked beside me through it all. It hasn’t been easy, and at times I’ve felt completely disjointed, out-of-sorts, and beside myself in confusion, fear, and frustration, but I’ve had so many people who have built me up and made a huge difference in my life.. and I’m a much better person for it. So thank you 2018, and everyone who has been with me through it.
I have a feeling 2019 is going to be even better :)
Comments